Christmas Freak

The merriest corner of the Internet

Month: December, 2016

Mariah Carey

Hark! Were you aware that we have been graced with a modern day herald angel who has decided to appear to us first in the following form:


and later in this updated form:


a divine being who sleeps on a lofted throne of the softest terrycloth, surrounded by humidifiers set up for the sole purpose of lubricating her vocal chords so she can spread the Christmas gospel via not just one but two Christmas albums; who owns at least two off-the-shoulder Mrs. Claus outfits and whose signature choice of footwear is the clear high heel adorned with feathers, a shoe that’s best classified as an angel’s slipper, and whose hair is so golden it emits a glow that approximates a halo?

Hark! Did you know that if you play All I Want for Christmas Is You twelve times on repeat, a dozen lambs will spring from the womb, joyful and bleating; that if you listen to Mariah singing O Holy Night alone in a room with a single candle flickering in the dark, a family of mice will link arms and hold a vigil; that if you put on her 1994 recording of Silent Night at the stroke of midnight, a bowl of plums will crystallize into candy and a partridge will pluck a sprig of boswellia and carry it aloft to roost at the top of a tree, auguring an age of peace and tranquility? Go ye now and add a little more happiness to the world by experiencing the modern day miracle that is MC.


Multicolored Lights vs. White Lights

Allow me to metaphorically sneeze on your powdered sugar and enter the long and storied debate that has divided households, fostered strife among communities, and spurred acts of rebellion and protest, by offering my humble opinion: I think you should consider multicolored Christmas lights.

This is not to say that I don’t like your elegant white string lights or your matching silver garland or your symmetrically hung silver ornaments or your silver reindeer candle holder or your silver napkin holders and immaculate porcelain table settings etched with doves—on the contrary, I would call the aforementioned items year-round décor. But only once a year is it socially acceptable to saw down a tree, bring it inside your house and cover it with shiny things, so why not include a little color and allow yourself the possibility of stumbling across your tree in the middle of the night while getting a glass of milk and being stunned by the beauty of its lights twinkling in a dark room the way I imagine the stars do above the north pole at Christmas, multicolored and unabashedly bright, speckling the ceiling with iridescent gumdrops.

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